Transformers Dark of the Moon: Sigh



I was sat there in my cinemas just watching the dullest piece of cinema that Hollywood has to offer. I was pretty sure there was robots in it, I was pretty sure I was supposed to be angry and come out swearing and analyse it. I was certainly quite uncomforted by the “We go to them, to fight for freedom!” “All races deserve freedom!” political undertones of ‘The Middle-East conflicts were okay because Optimus Prime says so’. It’s just.. ugh I can’t really get angry anymore. I can’t comment on the vulgarity or the introduction of the female lead by zooming in on her bottom or her literal acting void or the death of John Malkovich’s career or… SIGH.

I can’t get angry or disappointed anymore. Isn’t that weird, that a series has managed to desensitize you, nay, dehumanize you to the point where you just accept the fact that these films will outgross Christopher Nolan’s Batman career? That, if you take the consideration of the ludicrous ‘how good a film is depends on how much it grosses’ then Michael Bay and James Cameron are the greatest film-makers of our generation? That makes me sick. Like, almost physically sick, the only thing keeping me from being physically sick is facts like Nolan gives a fuck and Joss Whedon is directing The Avengers. HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.

Transformers Dull of the Moon isn’t even a film to me, it’s not an event and it’s just this thing that happens. The first ten minutes are the most promising moments of Michael Bay’s career but if you imagine it being his performance in the bedroom then it becomes hilarious. He starts off building this great grandeurs image and then explodes all over you randomly and without care or subtlety or investment. You end up pushing him off and running away before he barks “AMERICA! FUCK YEAH” in the voice has used to tell Shia LeBouf to shout at the camera for the fucking billionth time.

I ain’t even mad, honest. I’m not jelly, mad or disappointed: I’m tired. I can’t even muster the courage to end this ‘critique corner’ because there’s nothing interesting to talk about or exploit. I could talk for hours on the adventures within post-9/11 commentary with The Dark Knight or dance with Kubrick into The Shining, but I can’t tell a bad filmmaker to make a good movie or suggest how to hold the audience’s attention. I can’t critique it because this type of ‘film’ is unconquerable. There is nothing here, a void of existence, like a… I dunno.

I dunno.

So, what should I talk about? What should I discuss? The fact that I can’t even talk about it, but then I’m talking about it. I guess I can sort of talk about the fact that many people who rage about these films continue to see them, and I think I’ve achieved the impossible. I don’t think I’ll ever bother to see these films, buy these films or support Michael Bay’s career at all. This is dumb filth of the lowest denominator and that doesn’t even need to be said anymore. I will admit I found some fun in Transformers but the entire franchise isn’t worth one measly amount of fun.

Bit short for today. Just thought I’d say all that.


I’m busy!

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